Trying to wrap my head around the impossible

The Monkey!!!!

The Munson's - September 2010

Our girls!!!

For several months I have been processing, researching, praying, and trying to come to terms with Maya's life before she came to be in our family.  There is just something about being a mom that begs to know what she has gone through and we know so little.  In fact, we had no clue she was in a foster home for 7 months before we went to China until we picked her up.  She also came to us so sick....why if the foster care is suppose to be so good would she come to us so sick?  I have heard such conflicting reports on the orphanage she came from that my momma's heart just breaks for her.  How is it that at 2 years of age we were here 5th 'home' as she went from being abandoned from birth by her birth mom, to be cared for by nurses for 6 weeks, then to be 'abandoned' by the nurses and sent to the orphanage, then at 21 months to be 'abandoned' by the orphanage to be placed in foster care, then to be abandoned by the foster family to go back to the orphanage for 10 days and then given to us.  How does one even wrap there head around the upheaval of this poor girl.  Our girl, our daughter. Praise God there will be no more new 'homes', this is her forever home. This doesn't even factor in the 23 1/2 hours a day of sitting in a crib, forced to be potty trained from birth, clipping of the achilles tendon in an office with no pain meds.  I can't even comprehend.  I want to know why the birth mom couldn't care for her, not because I think she should of and I do praise her for leaving her in a hospital where she would be found.  But what is the background?, what is the family history?, where is she now?, does her heart ache for the child she will never know?  The questions are endless.  I find myself educating myself and gaining so much compassion for these survival skills Maya has developed.  Sure, some days I feel like pulling my hair out as her outbursts can be so aggravating and disruptive.  But then I remind myself, she had to learn them for a reason - without them she wouldn't have survived.  These days she is flourishing at home.  She is such a joy, a bundle of endless energy, never ceasing to amaze us at her fearlessness.  But I know the day will come when she will most likely have lots of questions - and how will I answer them?  I don't know.  I pray God will lead me.  We are very open in talking about China with her and showing her the book we put together of our journey to bringing her home  and her life with us thus far.  Interesting as some days she denies being from China - really at 3 years old?  Does she hold memories within her that she can't articulate?  Will some day she remember any on China?  I do look forward to taking her back to China someday if she desires to go, I know I sure do.  I wonder what that trip will look like - joyful, sorrow,????  As I try and wrap my head around all this I take time each day to hug her a little longer and give her the compassion she so needs.  She is so attached to me and gets so anxious if I am out of site.  Somedays this is so draining I feel like the life is sucked out of me.  But is it really...all I need is a little reminder of the little life that was forced on her the first 2 years of her life.  She didn't choose this hardship, it was chosen for her.  I pray this will make her a stronger person and she will not hold bitterness for the birth mom that couldn't keep her and thank God that she was left in that hospital and I know from the bottom of my heart God was surrounding her with his angels as he had already chosen her for us.